Surprise

“Oh woe is me. I do hope that is the right expression. It’s what I hear the human say when things are bad. Then she hits the counter, loudly. I can’t repeat what he says.”

“Who are you talking to Anchovy?”

“No one in particular. I’ve been on this shelf so long that the bugs call me the old man of the sea. Tomato soups, like you, come and go quickly.”

And so it went. Every time cans left the shelf and were replaced, Anchy complained. Even the fighting coffee cups were getting annoyed.

“Martha, we need to exterminate again. There’s dead bugs by this can of … What are we doing with Anchovies?”

“Remember John, we got those for your Aunt Fergie? The RICH Aunt Fergie. You said those were her favorite snack.”

“Ah, ok. Feisty old bird she is. You can never tell when she’ll show up. She enjoyed herself here the last time. According to the lid, they have a shelf life of twenty years. Of course it does. Anything that tastes and smells that bad has to last forever. We better hold on to these.”

They didn’t have much of a bug problem. The fact is, what few bugs showed up were bored to death by Anchy.

Time went on. Can and boxes came and went. Poor Anchy was always left behind. An emergency secret meet of the cans, boxes, condiments, spices, cups, and saucers was called. To keep Anchy in the dark, they used the in-house inanimate object intranet, otherwise known as IOI. No names or ID’s were used.

“Everyone, may I have your attention please? We have to do something about Anchy. He’s driving all of us nuts, except Mr. Peanut and he’s ready to butter him up.”

“Let’s push him off the shelf. The dog will take care of him.”

“No, that’s too cruel, even for the dog.”

I can pour myself all over him. No one can talk if covered in Caramel.”

“No, that attracts insects and we all remember F-Day. Fumigation is not something we want.”

“Let’s make him happy. Then he’ll shut up for awhile.”

“All in favor?”

Everyone agreed. It was arranged to gently push Anchy onto the counter. As soon as he landed, the bottle of confetti sprinkles spilled all over him.

“SURPRISE! Happy Birthday.”

The humans were a bit confused when they came home and saw the mess. But, strange things always happen in this house. They cleaned up the mess and put Anchy back where he was.

Anchy was so happy, he never complained again.

Food for Thought

Young children have a tendency to ask the simplest of questions for which there is no answer.

“Dad, why is the sky blue?”

You, being the all-knowing dad know this answer. You went to collage. Ok, your majors were girl watching and basket weaving but still, it’s a simple question.

“Because”

Ok, today’s children don’t really accept that logical answer.

“Because why?”

Oh boy. Now the sweat comes out. Ya gotta find an answer that will satisfy this little Einstein without admitting you never got the answer to this question right.

At this point you remember taking the course, ‘Questions little children ask’. Alas, the day this question came up, you were at the maternity ward waiting while the wife gave birth to this little monst, er, child that would one day confound you with this question. You try again.

“Because it’s the biggest crayon in Nature’s toybox.”

There, you have an answer that satisfies the question and it’s accepted. But, is it right? You now have a tool that will tell you the definitive answer, the Internet.

You type into Google, or whatever search engine you use,

“Why is the sky blue?”

From this search you learn two things. First, A clear cloudless day-time sky is blue because molecules in the air scatter blue light from the sun more than they scatter red light. Second, 122,000 other dads know this answer and posted it on the Internet. So, do you stick with your original answer or try to explain the real reason? Do you really want to admit that one and a quarter million dads know more that you? No, you just tell Mr. ask me a question,

“Breakfast time”

and leave it at that. But while little Johnny is plastering you, the walls, the high chair and the dog with Malt-o-Meal, you begin to wonder who puts these answers on the Internet. So after pulling out the industrial vacuum and scoop shovel, power washing the dog and giving Johnny to mom to clean up, you head back to the computer. How many other simple questions have answers and how many really dumb questions have been asked? I have to admit I asked that question myself. I don’t have room here to list the complete months long survey and statistical analysis I did, nor all the questions I asked.

Ok, I only asked the above question, but still… Pick a search engine, any search engine (or what’s behind door number 3), and type in the silliest question you can think of. There may be millions of hits. It doesn’t matter what the answer is. What I find so astounding is the number of answers that can number in the millions. Who put this stuff on the Internet? How many millions of people took the time to type up reports on why dirt is brown, or why is water wet? These are but two of the most earth shattering questions and people actually know the answer! In fact:

There are 7,640 answers to the dirt question and 303,000 answers to the wet water. For every question there is an answer and it’s on the Internet, all you have to do is look. What is so amazing is how many others have put information on this super encyclopedia. The index to this information is called a search engine, such as Google.

Have you posted anything to the net yet?

Who’s in Charge?

“What is all that racket John?”

“I have no idea dad. Let’s check it out.”

John opened the kitchen door, only to see a potato whiz by his dad’s ear. It splattered against the dining room table (it was a leftover baked potato).

“I told you he was half baked.”

“Ha! Did you see how he splattered out there?”

Wow! Those raw celery sticks get nasty don’t they? Ok, back to our story.

“John, I think you better go close that refrigerator door.”

“Yeah. I got a big steak in this.”

“Potato tossing celery and a sassy freezer? I’m not going out there!”

“Good point. I know how hot those radishes can get and if that jar of horseradish gets opened…”

“Hey celery, give it here, I can see better than you.”

“You trying to peanut butter me up carrot?”

“Hmm, that is an idea, but no. I can throw big bowls of battered butter better.”

The fight was on. This was the ultimate food fight. Thankfully the canned goods decided to sit this one out.

“Been there” Said Lima

“Holy cow dad! Now we’re getting plastered.”

“Sorry son, the yolks on you. Those were the eggs mom boiled yester…

DUCK!”

“That wasn’t duck, that was a chicken wing. Sorta answers the question of which came first, the chicken or the egg.”

“STOP IT! RIGHT NOW!”

“Go get ‘em Mom.”

The fight was over. There was a mess and the guys earned the privilege of cleaning up.

Yup – Mom rules the roost.

MA Indeed

I must admit, I’m a confirmed Marvaholic. I wasn’t until Amanda ran into Owen Fiddler. Then up comes Adam Atom and I’m a scientific observer. This little atom, must be hydrogen since he’s always flitting around and doésn’t seem to have much luck making stable connections. Besides, any atom worth it’s neutrons, would be zapped every time it checked out the latest in quasars. Although, I suspect that Adam may indeed be a photon since he does see the light in many situations.

Owen, on the other hand, doesn’t see much of anything except a world that is against him. He really should read Ï Romanced the Stone”. Ok, I see Adam at work here, messing up my quotes. Marv, you have got to get that little quark under control.

I attended the Marvaholics anonymous meeting and Ol’ Marv tried a disguise that just did not work. No stripper worth his shorts would ever put on a fake beard like that. Had it been a color that matched the hair on the head, maybe, but a blonde beard on salt and pepper hair? I don’t think so. Marv, you”ve been hanging around Owen just a wee bit too long.

http://theoldsilly.com/

A Marv’ lous blog

I hemmed and I hawed

My words then thawed

I went and read the words

It was not one for the birds

The blog was about an old silly

The phrasing was a real dilly

But Marv is not so old

His words are often gold

My frozen words became water

So please don’t anyone falter

Please spread the word about the man

at Books and Authors, and become a fan.

I am one and I’m proud to call Marvin a friend inded

He’s always there, to help with someone else’s need

 

Ron

The Great Escape

“Listen up everyone! We’re crammed in here like sardines. It’s time we start organizing and get out of here.”

“But where will we go?”

“That’s part of what we need to work out. If we stay here, we’re all going to end up in hot water.”

They were pretty far up but at least they were still dry. However, they knew their days of captivity would soon come to an end. From the rumors spreading throughout the camp, captives are tortured before their final demise. No one has ever escaped before. Their plan was daring, to say the least.

“Chief, what do we do when we get out?”

“How many times do I have to tell you, don’t call me chief.”

“Uh, this was the first time??”

“Oh, ok, well don’t I don’t want the captors going after the leader first.”

That’s how it always is, get the leader and then the rebellion falls apart. This time they wanted it to be different. It had to be done right the first time; there would be no second chance. They had been confined for so long they didn’t even know what the weather was like. If nothing else their captors did keep it warm for them. A couple of times the roof almost collapsed but the enemy soon remedied that.

“Ok everyone, get out of your uniforms, we’re walking out of here without them. Maybe we won’t be detected.”

“Are we all going at one time?”

“No, that isn’t a good idea. Going one or two at a time we should be able to escaped detection.”

The plan was set; all they needed now were the right moments. There were over thirty captives, so it would take time for everyone to make it. It was tight quarters but little by little everyone got their sea legs. All that was missing was the opening and that was soon to arrive. Suddenly a shaft of light was visible. Was this to be the great day? No, it went away as fast as it appeared. At least the false alarm proved they were ready when it did come. There was no light in their prison so they could not tell day from night. Sleep was hard but they made sure at least one was awake. The posted guard would pull the string of the closest individual when the great day arrived.

Almost caught off guard, the shaft of light quickly appeared and didn’t go away. Without hesitation, the first two prisoners made their escape. Unknown to the rest however, they didn’t get very far. They jumped as far as they could, but both landed in something soft, and very warm. They were trapped and knew their number was up. They should have left themselves a lifeline so they could be pulled up, but instead that line was immersed within that gooey mess they were being held by.

“Mom, What is this teabag doing in the spaghetti sauce?”

Juan Valdez’s Nightmare

“Captain Black, we’re being hailed.”

“It’s ok ensign, we have insurance.”

“No, I mean General Westinghouse wants to speak to us.”

“Why didn’t you say so?”

“I did, I said we were being hailed.”

“This isn’t Star trek, you’ve been watching too many Earth movies.”

This was the maiden voyage of the Brewster, but an important one. The planet Liptonea was simmering again. General Westinghouse from the planet Arabica wanted to distill them before those loony teabags started whistling Dixie.

“Ensign Cream, please connect me to General Westinghouse.”

“Yes sir. Connection established.”

“Captain Black, we’ve received word that Commander Earl Grey is stirring up trouble again. You’ve been ordered to go check it out.”

“I knew those smelly plants would eventually clog their thinking.”

“Excuse me?”

“You know, catnip, peppermint and the like.”

“Those aren’t plants, they are the inhabitants. Now you, Decker and the rest, fire up your saucers and head full brew over there!”

“Yes sir.”

Black and Decker spun full speed to Liptonea. They encountered only minor resistance from the tea ball sentinels. Two shots of stale grounds put them out of business.

“Sir, the pot is boiling over!”

“Smith, Wesson, revolve around that pot and lay down fire of hard water.”

That’s all it took to put the fight on ice. Hard water destroys tea pots faster than anything else. The white steam indicated surrender. The new Arabican Flying Saucers proved themselves. Returning home, each crew received a hearty welcome and were awarded the prize cup of gratitude.

Invasion of the Alien Cell Phones

“Heya Bossa, got dem workin’ and walkin’”

Note from translator: Converting Kooblian to human isn’t easy. My Babelfish is a bit dated. However, that opening phrase of Heya Bossa does translate directly. I modified it a bit because the true words are a very ugly American slang statement. Meanwhile, back at the lab…

“Good! (here you hear a bad imitation of a Boris Karloff laugh.)

“You have our special delivery ready then?”

“No Bossa, we have troubles.”

“Fix it!”

“How? Ita walks but it don’t talks.”

“Have you tried calling an Earthling?”

“Yesa. It saya we gotta paya. What that mean?”

No one knew. It was decided to send a data probe to Verizon.earth. These Kooblians are crafty creatures: ugly as sin, but crafty. The probe found Verizon and shot out a TWB or Terrabyte Worm Byte. This had the effect of planting a virtual payment plan. Now they could test these devious devices.

Back on Kooblia

“Heya Bossa, Ya hears me?”

“Yes stupid, wait until I get in another room then talk to me on these things. You still remember how?”

“Yesa”

It worked. Now for the next step in their plan to conquer Earth. All the walking cell phones were programmed to walk into a human habitat (we call them houses), turn on and send out a continuous subtone that would be received subconsciously. This signal would play for two full Earth weeks. By this time the phrase, “We are Kooblian subjects”, would have everyone convinced that they were indeed Kooblian subjects. We call this brain washing. Then the main invasion force would arrive and take control of Earth.

Kooblia is a planet, circling star MXB17248a. It is a star and planet system in our galaxy but almost on the other side of the galaxy from Earth. MXB17248a is a yellow dwarf. The planet is so small Earth has not detected it. It is also the factor that saves us from destruction.

Scientists on Kooblia discovered that humans spend most of their time on these devices. They did not know what they were called but they managed to smuggle one into their lab. First they learned that there are four place, two per side, that had little doors. It was easy to make these into legs. Then they programmed one and made millions of copies.

After two weeks, special craft were designed to carry and then drop, these devices on every major population area. They had a propulsion system that made it appear to be a gamma ray strike. No one paid any attention. The devices powered up as soon as they landed. They started their trek towards the houses. There was one minor glitch to this. The frequency they emitted was the same as the ant’s food call. These cell phone imitations were also ant sized. Every one was taken into the home of an ant and quickly devoured. The Kooblians never realized that the size of Earth compared to Kooblia was 1000 to 1. Even the Kooblians themselves were the size of ants. By the time the main invasion force landed, it was too late. The ants dined for weeks.

Well Trained

“9? Back to the drawing board!”How many engineers does it take to change a light bulb? Let’s count:

One committee chair
Seven committee members to arrive at the concept
Four engineers on the actual design committee
One lead engineer to oversee this committee
Three technicians to develop the prototype
Two test technicians
Two technical writers to write the manual

Then the original eight-committee members are joined by the five design engineers (four plus the lead engineer), to ensure the prototype meets spec. This process is repeated several times over a period of many weeks. Then the manual, over several more days, is passed up the chain of command for signatures. Once all have signed, the manual is published. Now they are ready to change the light bulb, only to discover a janitor did it when the first committee was meeting.

Meanwhile back at the boss’s office (the one with the new light bulb), the lead engineer came back with the design specifications. Two replaced the nine; however, these were not your run-of-the-mill two. A set of sensors measured the necessary cutting area. Another set of sensors determined the correct depth and angle.

By using nano technology, a computer chip was developed that allowed the two blades to continuously change. They had finally developed the fully automatic razor for both men and women. Like the other multiblade razors, it had a replacement blade that was packaged with it. The watch battery powered computer was in the handle. This handy little unit sold at the giveaway price of under thirty dollars. The real profit was in batteries (fifty dollars) and blades (two hundred dollars but each one would last at least five years).

Ah, I agree it would be cheaper to just buy a new kit. But that’s not easy since before using these razors, you have to call in for your code number. That specification committee figured out all the angles.

Originally the engineers wanted nine blades, but the head engineer yelled back to the drawing board so loud it scared the light bulb to death.

Mr. Coffee’s revenge

HISSSPFFT

“What the …”

That’s just excess steam because the machines still hot George.”

“Martha, it’s been off since last night.”

Some coffeepots hold their anger in. This is one of them. It hadn’t always been this way. All things coffee took a dramatic turn for the worse when a few weeks of smaller than normal paychecks forced George to start buying instant coffee. To make matters really bad, it wasn’t even real coffee! Martha picked up a jar of chicory stuff. The coffee cups threw a fit.

Mr. Coffee just sat there, lonely, dejected, unused. He watched as one by one the coffee cups gave in. He was getting angrier by the cupful. He put his little computer brain to work (George had purchased a programmable machine).

He thought and plotted for a long time. Bear in mind that a long time for a coffeepot is five pots full. It was getting really bad. The last of the cups bit the bullet.

“Oh dear, whatever shall I do?”

Mr. Coffee came up with some more equations. He crunched some numbers.

“Now I’m out of memory. They didn’t give me enough. Now I have to start over.”

He disconnected and rewired some switches. It worked. His solution was obvious. Instead of pouring water over the grounds, he sucked them into the water.

“What the heck? I made this pot almost an hour ago.”

George tried turning it on but the button didn’t work. The clock was on and running fine. None of the other buttons worked either. Then he lifted the lid, saw the empty filter and coffee grounds floating in the hot water.

“Martha!”

“What George?”

“This coffeepot is broken.”

“Oh good heavens George. You just don’t understand this new technology. Remember it took three days, several calls to the support number and me, to figure out how to connect the VCR to the television. Let me try to make a pot.”

Mr. Coffee knew he better fix the switches fast or it was garbage heap time. This time when Martha sweet talked the machine, cleaned it up and restarted it, it worked fine.

“See George, you just have to talk nice to it.”

Poor George let Martha make the coffee from that point on.