UNWRITER Ron Berry

October 1, 2008

Love and intimacy part one

Filed under: writing — unwriter1 @ 4:30 am
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Today we are most fortunate to have Lensey Hayes visit us. He is the husband of Lacresha Hayes and is co-author of Love and Intimacy: A Couples Journey. Please join me in welcoming him and comments most welcome please.

Mike Lensey

Mike Lensey
Truth and Intimacy; A Couples Journey

Truth and Intimacy; A Couples Journey

Questions for Lensey Hayes

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

1.      How did you and Lacresha meet?

 

Thanks for inviting me, Ron. Actually, my wife and I met when she came to my church to preach a revival. I’d seen her several times before then, but that was when we actually met.

 

2.      With her troubled past, does she ever have flashbacks? If so, how do you two resolve them?

 

She doesn’t really have flashbacks. Sometimes, I notice her feeling a little down. So, I try to cheer her up. Normally, she snaps out of it pretty quickly if left alone.

 

3.      Trust in a marriage is a big issue. In Truth and Intimacy: A Couple’s Journal, you both find this to be a major factor also. How do you counsel others that have had a rough past to show them trust can be rebuilt?

 

I tell couples to first make time to sit down and discuss whatever the issue is. This discussion needs to be friendly without accusations. Both must be willing to express their feelings, desires and fears. Basically, all the cards have to go on the table because hidden emotions and agendas can kill reconciliation and continue to destroy trust until the marriage itself is destroyed. So, timing, integrity, honest and respect are the ways to restored trust.

 

4.      The marriage vows say in sickness and in health. The word sickness covers a broad spectrum. Mistrust and dishonesty, especially with oneself is one form. How do you minister to this?

 

Rather it’s self-deception or the deception of a mate, truth is the only answer to that issue. Many people are afraid to be honest with themselves or others. People like this do not need to get married, but if you’re already married, I’d say to seek spiritual counsel and come to terms with your fears.

 

5. Truth and Intimacy is a very catchy title. How much actual input did you have?

 

Actually, I wrote about 55 percent of the book, but my wife is the editor of the family. She went back through and reworded a lot of what I wrote. LOL! So from that perspective, I guess I came out with about 40 percent being my own words. LOL! Oh, the wonders of marriage!

 

6. You say you ‘build’ intimacy. Can you expand on that a bit?

 

Well, intimacy isn’t automatic. Many people think it is because of sex, but they aren’t the same thing. Intimacy is an opening of yourself, a deep sharing that takes place between two people. This must be built. You can’t expect a person to instantly trust you enough to give themselves to you wholly. It takes time and diligence, integrity and understanding.

 

7. Another very good line talks about avoiding those who are brutally honest. Was Lacresha this honest?

 

She is the brutally honest one. She tells the truth to her own hurt, mine and anyone else. She doesn’t bite her tongue, which is why most people don’t ask her for her opinion. LOL! I’m more reserved altogether. I’m not too quick to speak period, and especially when it comes to something that I already know is an issue with me and not the other person.

 

8. It is easy to trust a person that is totally honest. Does the other person’s obvious pain give one a more favorable impression of that person’s honesty?

 

Not really. It’s good to be honest, but we have to make sure that our hurt doesn’t do the talking for us. Anything that comes from pain is destructive, even when it’s truth. Truth and honesty needs to be born of love. Then, even when it delivers a cut, it is a healing cut. Think of truth like a knife. It can hurt or it can heal. It depends upon the one holding it, rather a butcher or a surgeon.

 

9. Knowing a person’s painful past can be a deterrent to intimacy. Do you see that as a true statement?

 

It depends. It can be if there is pain in the actual relationship or immaturity. However, knowing that your spouse trusts you enough to tell you the most painful details of their lives is an intimacy-booster.

 

10. Tell our readers, please, your impressions with the book, Truth and Intimacy: A Couples Journal.

 

I’m very proud of our book. It has been a blessing even to us as we wrote it and discussed. Seeing what she wrote and her seeing what I wrote and noticing how the two blended perfectly showed me that we have a very strong marriage. The book is full of wisdom and biblical truth. We have real life stories in each chapter. These are people who are living a good marriage. We have an interactive area at the back where couples can learn more about one another and make an actual plan to grow together. To me, there’s not another book like it because there was no holding back. It’s all tried and true relationship-building tools.

 

11. How do you go about rekindling romance?

 

Good question…… really good question. It takes listening. You have to first figure out what you spouse wants. If you give her roses, but she likes tulips, then you’ve not accomplished much. If chocolate breaks her out and you keep buying it for her, that won’t work either. It may be as simple as taking a walk together. It may be as easy as taking time to give foot and head massages. Or, it may be as complicated as identifying some pain from the past and helping your spouse through it.

 

12. Forgiving others shortcomings is possible, but do you feel it is possible to forget past transgressions?

 

I think the forgetting is not about a memory-erase button. I think forgetting is about releasing the pain and letting the incident be as insignificant as when you stumped your toe five years ago. Chances are you don’t remember it well. So, while we can’t control the effective filing mechanism of the brain, we can control whether or not we allow past transgressions to hurt us anymore, or whether we bring them up again. That’s what forget is.

 

13. You mention supporting your partner’s goals and dreams. Do you feel you have to believe in them also, or just offer positive support?

 

Absolutely! You can’t really offer real support if you don’t believe in your mate. If anyone should be your spouse’s cheerleader, it should be you. You should never let anyone outdo (if that’s a word) you when it comes to giving your partner genuine love and support.

 

I speak for myself now, but my wife is a wonderful author, compassionate minister, and diligent business owner. I’ll never let another man tell her that more than I do. I’ll never leave her hungry for approval so that the devil can move in on my territory.

 

14. Integrity is difficult to put together with intimacy. Can you go into more detail with this?

 

Well, my wife and I both have found this to be true: if you don’t have trust, which is based upon a tangible integrity, then you will NOT have any intimacy. It’s impossible to be truly intimate with someone you do not trust. You can have sex with anyone. You can marry anyone. You can do a lot of things, but those things are not real intimacy. Again, I have to be able to trust my wife with all of who I am for me to give out the more sacred things, those things that you don’t give to friends and other family.

 

For instance, when I’m in prayer, I tend to really worship God. I give Him all of who I am. I take my wife with me when I can. She gets to see a part of me that belongs only to God. I couldn’t do that if I didn’t trust her. I couldn’t cry in front her or intercede for others with tears in my eyes if she wasn’t trustworthy. I know that she has my back, and she knows the same about me. Therefore, we can be weak in front of each other.

 

 To learn more, check below;

Truth and Intimacy blog – http://truthandintimacy.blogspot.com
Lacresha’s Author Site – http://lacreshatheauthor.weebly.com
A Place of Healing – http://lacreshahayes.weebly.com
Pretty, Prosperous, Powerful – http://learntofeelpretty.blogspot.com
Children’s Lit Blog – http://alittlebitofchildrenslit.blogspot.com
CHMI – http://chmi.weebly.com
Fan Club Site – http://lacreshahayesfanclub.weebly.com
Myspace – http://www.myspace.com/lacresha75
The Rape of Innocence – http://therapeofinnocence.blogspot.com
 

 

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18 Comments »

  1. […] laviniq wrote an interesting post today on […]

    Pingback by Love and intimacy part one | jdTVu — October 1, 2008 @ 4:36 am | Reply

  2. This was a really good interview. A lot different than I expected. I hope you guys sell a million copies so I can say one of my covers sold 1 million copies. LOL!

    Comment by Chris — October 1, 2008 @ 6:00 am | Reply

  3. Hi Ron.

    I’m here and ready to answer questions at the random. I’ll try to stop by every hour. Let’s have fun.

    Comment by Lensey Hayes — October 1, 2008 @ 2:11 pm | Reply

  4. Hi, Lensey. I enjoyed (and agreed with) your answers to Ron’s questions.

    My husband makes me laugh every single day, and that’s one of the things I love about him the most. I wanted to ask how important you think laughing together is for a marriage.

    Comment by Joyce Scarbrough — October 1, 2008 @ 2:38 pm | Reply

  5. Hi Joyce. I remember your name from my wife. She talks about you a lot.

    If couples will keep humor in their marriage, it will get them through the tough times. Today people put importance on weird stuff and when the “stuff” goes out the window the marriage does too
    We have to go back to the basics…. love, laughter, respect and unity. That is what marriage and family are about

    Comment by Lensey Hayes — October 1, 2008 @ 3:27 pm | Reply

  6. Lensey, you mentioned needing to trust your wife with your weaknesses. What can a woman do to help her husband feel comfortable hurting in front of her? My husband is very strong, but I know some things hurt him. How can I tap into that side of his life?

    Comment by Erica Newton — October 1, 2008 @ 3:29 pm | Reply

  7. Hi Erica. I wish I could tell you there’s a foolproof way, but I can’t. You have to give him time. Always ask him if he wants to talk, but don’t press the issue. If you can discern the problem, just talk to him about, comfort him. My wife can discern my issues from miles away. Sometimes, I can’t really say whats wrong I try but nothing comes out. Every time she’ll start talking about it right on the money and feed me with scripture and love and then give me some room to take it all it. That’s all anyone can do. He’ll open up eventually.

    Comment by Lensey Hayes — October 1, 2008 @ 4:35 pm | Reply

  8. Great interview. I think, Lensey, your differentiating between having sex with someone and actually being intimate with someone is right on. I’m looking forward to having you on Free Spirit on the 10th. I’ll be doing an “Everything I know about Lensey Hayes So Far” post this Friday and then asking my readers to come up withe THEIR questions they want to ask you one week later. Should be fun and an interesting twist. Kudos to you and your remarkable wife for this new book release and what is shaping up to be a fabulous virtual tour.

    Marvin Blogs at Free Spirit: http://inspiritandtruths.blogspot.com/
    Eye Twitter 2 – http://twitter.com/Paize_Fiddler

    Comment by Marvin D Wilson — October 1, 2008 @ 5:02 pm | Reply

  9. That was some great piece of advice baby.

    One thing I can tell you from a woman’s perspective, not that anyone asked me, is that men can catch a hint. The more you open up to him, the more he’ll open up to you. My husband and I share even the painful stuff with each other. Begin sharing with him, if you aren’t already. It’ll work, Erica. John’s a great guy.

    Comment by Lacresha Hayes — October 1, 2008 @ 6:05 pm | Reply

  10. Great points. I just can’t believe that this kind of information isn’t more readily available. Our marriages are in trouble today and it is this simply but true information like you’re giving that helps couples stay together.

    Comment by Kim Jamison — October 1, 2008 @ 6:41 pm | Reply

  11. Great interview – good questions and answers! I’m looking forward to getting and reading Truth and Intimacy.

    Comment by Connie Arnold — October 1, 2008 @ 8:06 pm | Reply

  12. Hi Lensey.

    Great interview! I believe you hit on some major points that need to be elaborated on again and again. Marriage is a partnership. It is not a one man or woman show.

    Comment by Vicky Warren — October 1, 2008 @ 9:56 pm | Reply

  13. Would like to follow this whole blog book tour! Is there a link to the schedule you can give us? Thank you.

    Dani
    http://blogbooktours.blogspot.com

    Comment by Dani — October 1, 2008 @ 10:27 pm | Reply

  14. Hey, Lensey! I came to read this because your dear wife invited Tweeters to take a look. I’m glad I did. Great interview! Sounds like you two make a special, God-fearing couple. May the Lord bless all your efforts to serve Him and may He bless the book outrageously!

    Comment by Lynn Mosher — October 1, 2008 @ 11:50 pm | Reply

  15. Wonderful interview Lensey and Ron!!!Lensey, I’d ask a question here, but you have your hands full answering the ones I sent when you stop by my blog on the 17th–don’t worry, I played fair and gave Lacresha just as difficult of questions for her visit also 🙂 Again, I enjoyed reading this–very thoughful answers!!

    Comment by Joyce A. Anthony — October 2, 2008 @ 12:15 am | Reply

  16. Dani,

    The other links are here. We had to postpone some of the first ones but they’re being rescheduled.

    http://truthandintimacy.blogspot.com/2008/09/truth-and-intimacy-book-launch-and-blog.html

    Comment by Lensey Hayes — October 2, 2008 @ 12:21 am | Reply

  17. Here is the link to the other stops. We had to reschedule the ones before this one, but we’ll keep everyone posted on Twitter and on our blogs.

    http://truthandintimacy.blogspot.com/2008/09/truth-and-intimacy-book-launch-and-blog.html

    Comment by Lensey Hayes — October 2, 2008 @ 12:24 am | Reply

  18. Good to get to know you better, Lensey!

    Comment by Amber — October 2, 2008 @ 3:23 pm | Reply


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