November 10, 2008

The Great Tea Scare

Filed under: humor — unwriter1 @ 4:22 pm
Tags: , ,

I wrote this a while back and I thought I’d share.



The Great Tea Scare

“George, Get your sorry tail out here. Your coffee cups are whining.”

“Now what about?”

“That red and green one, Elfhandle, ya call it, is complaining about the cheap coffee ya use.”

You just can’t get good, reliable coffee cups anymore. If it isn’t one thing it’s another. Old Glory, his favorite cup met with an untimely demise. He was sitting, innocently on the counter, when a sonic boom, or rather the loud bass of the CD player next to him, blew him halfway across the room. The cup started out black and white, but slipped in a puddle of red paint on George’s workbench, hence the handle. Anyhoo, it was time to replace old faithful. It was a dogged search and George was bone tired when he got home. The first one he looked at had a footed base. But when he picked it up, it cried out for cappuccino. That would not do! No, only true blue Columbian (coffee, what’d ya think I was talking about?) goes in his cups. The next one he saw had a picture of the Louvre. One touch and he knew only French roast would be allowed. Nope, that was out too. It took all day and seventeen stores to find an acceptable replacement. Sorry, but that is a trade secret since this is a very shy and retiring cup. As he picked it up, he heard that he had to take the whole family. Sheesh, ok, so he’d have backups. Was he ever in for a surprise!

He should have seen the trouble coming. George put the cups in with the glasses. The first thing they said was, “Naa naa, I can see through ya.” Just what he needed, smart aleck cups. It was time for their first lesson in manners.

“Either get used to living with the glasses, or I’ll use you to water the plants.”

It worked, they grumbled but stayed where they were. No more training for tonight. Tomorrow was soon enough. The Styrofoam ones sufficed in an emergency like this. They weren’t trained so he would have to do all the work himself. He’d ask Martha but she never quite got it right. Why she saluted each cup was a little odd he thought. So he did all the walking and mixing himself. It was a real strain, but he made it through the night. The poor Internet was lonely during his absence.

The next morning, George posted a note stating it was training day. Sadly, the Internet waited patiently for his return. Now a warning to all that use the Internet on a regular basis; make sure you’re well grounded before allowing sadness to creep across the wires to your IP. Those blue sparks are Modem tears. With that in mind, George promised to be back as soon as possible.

In the kitchen, all the new cups were lined up by the microwave and taught what it was and how it worked. To ensure they understood, the head cup was filled with water and placed inside. He performed flawlessly. Even opening the door was mastered first time. From there, he was transferred to the counter to meet the coffee. This was a bit trickier since the spoon was used to Old Glory and was still mourning his fate. But, with some kind encouragement, he cooperated and filled up and poured into the water as expected. The last part, traveling into the computer room was not quite as easy. But after a few trial and errors, it learned. The secret to how they traveled from place to place by themselves cannot be revealed.

Martha suggested writing a training manual. Sounds like a plan. If the cups continue to behave, that may be in order. But first one has to learn what kind of cup to get for ones favorite beverage. It looked like things were going to work out smoothly. Then it happened. The Strike for better coffee!

No matter what George did, they would not behave. He would reach for one and they’d duck behind the glasses. He could see ‘em, but he couldn’t coax them out. He used every trick he knew. Giving up, he headed into the living room to watch “Coffees of the World”, on the bean channel. Martha could not pull him out of his caffeine funk. This went on for two days and she was getting really frustrated. But then a brilliant idea struck her. Soon, George heard the plaintive call of “We give!!! Anything you want.”

What happened? Why did they give in so easily? He had to know.

“Martha, what happened out here?”

“Simple. I held up two lipton tea bags and threatened to use them.”



  1. My favorite Ron Twain story!

    Comment by Carol — November 10, 2008 @ 4:28 pm | Reply

  2. Ron,

    You’ve got a lot of nerve to call yourself a writer, when you’re out there sucking up all the coffee!

    You really ought to go over and visit The Coffee Clatter (www.coffeeclatter.com) and see how the Coffee is done!



    Comment by Jan Verhoeff — November 10, 2008 @ 4:53 pm | Reply

  3. I enjoyed the article, Ron. My favorite mug has broken it’s handle several times and I reattach it with gorilla glue, which puts it out of service for a day or two, but comes back like new until it’s bumped too hard again. Strange how we form attachments to inanimate objects. 🙂

    Comment by Jean Henry Mead — November 10, 2008 @ 5:09 pm | Reply

  4. Loved this. And “Ron Twain?” Carol called you? Perfect. Our friend the modern day yarn spinner – lol

    Comment by paizefiddler — November 10, 2008 @ 7:52 pm | Reply

  5. Delightful..I love my coffee mugs..Each one has a very different personility,but there has yet to be an uprising..I will keep tea bags handy, just in case..Thanks for the tip !

    Comment by Faye Sizemore — November 10, 2008 @ 9:57 pm | Reply

  6. I will never look at coffee cups and tea bags the same ever again. Great story, bro!


    Comment by Danielle Calhoun — November 11, 2008 @ 1:59 am | Reply

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