April 25, 2009

Invasion of the Alien Cell Phones

Filed under: humor,Uncategorized — unwriter1 @ 4:21 am

“Heya Bossa, got dem workin’ and walkin'”

Note from translator: Converting Kooblian to human isn’t easy. My Babelfish is a bit dated. However, that opening phrase of Heya Bossa does translate directly. I modified it a bit because the true words are a very ugly American slang statement. Meanwhile, back at the lab…

“Good! (here you hear a bad imitation of a Boris Karloff laugh.)

“You have our special delivery ready then?”

“No Bossa, we have troubles.”

“Fix it!”

“How? Ita walks but it don’t talks.”

“Have you tried calling an Earthling?”

“Yesa. It saya we gotta paya. What that mean?”

No one knew. It was decided to send a data probe to Verizon.earth. These Kooblians are crafty creatures: ugly as sin, but crafty. The probe found Verizon and shot out a TWB or Terrabyte Worm Byte. This had the effect of planting a virtual payment plan. Now they could test these devious devices.

Back on Kooblia

“Heya Bossa, Ya hears me?”

“Yes stupid, wait until I get in another room then talk to me on these things. You still remember how?”


It worked. Now for the next step in their plan to conquer Earth. All the walking cell phones were programmed to walk into a human habitat (we call them houses), turn on and send out a continuous subtone that would be received subconsciously. This signal would play for two full Earth weeks. By this time the phrase, “We are Kooblian subjects”, would have everyone convinced that they were indeed Kooblian subjects. We call this brain washing. Then the main invasion force would arrive and take control of Earth.

Kooblia is a planet, circling star MXB17248a. It is a star and planet system in our galaxy but almost on the other side of the galaxy from Earth. MXB17248a is a yellow dwarf. The planet is so small Earth has not detected it. It is also the factor that saves us from destruction.

Scientists on Kooblia discovered that humans spend most of their time on these devices. They did not know what they were called but they managed to smuggle one into their lab. First they learned that there are four place, two per side, that had little doors. It was easy to make these into legs. Then they programmed one and made millions of copies.

After two weeks, special craft were designed to carry and then drop, these devices on every major population area. They had a propulsion system that made it appear to be a gamma ray strike. No one paid any attention. The devices powered up as soon as they landed. They started their trek towards the houses. There was one minor glitch to this. The frequency they emitted was the same as the ant’s food call. These cell phone imitations were also ant sized. Every one was taken into the home of an ant and quickly devoured. The Kooblians never realized that the size of Earth compared to Kooblia was 1000 to 1. Even the Kooblians themselves were the size of ants. By the time the main invasion force landed, it was too late. The ants dined for weeks.


  1. […] Invasion of the Alien Cell Phones […]

    Pingback by Daily News About Earth : A few links about Earth - Saturday, 25 April 2009 03:32 — April 25, 2009 @ 4:32 am | Reply

  2. Great imaginative tale here, Ron Twain. Poignant too, and perhaps even plausible if the Kooblians read this!

    Comment by Marvin D Wilson — April 25, 2009 @ 5:48 am | Reply

  3. […] Mathew, Fabiola M created an interesting post today on Invasion of the Alien Cell Phones « UNWRITER Ron BerryHere’s a short outlineLaughter is the best medicine, check out my short stories in Laughs from Corn Country at http://roncberry.com3 days 8 hours ago; Laughter is the best medicine, check out my short stories in Laughs from Corn Country at … Published by unwriter1 on Sat, 25 Apr 2009 03:21:48 -0700 Blog : https://unwriter1.wordpress.com/ Url : https://unwriter1.wordpress.com/2009/04/25/invasion-of-the-alien-cell-phones/ (Ranked #29) […]

    Pingback by Topics about Laughter | Invasion of the Alien Cell Phones « UNWRITER Ron Berry — April 25, 2009 @ 8:24 am | Reply

  4. Adorable! Oh, Ron Twain! How clever! A blast to read! Thanks!

    Comment by gigi1953 — April 25, 2009 @ 10:16 am | Reply

  5. Adorable! Oh, Ron Twain! How clever! A blast to read! Thanks!
    Oops, should have mentioned good post! Waiting for the next one!

    Comment by gigi1953 — April 25, 2009 @ 11:58 pm | Reply

  6. I wonder if the ants could communicate somehow by using the cell phones they’d eaten.

    Morgan Mandel

    Comment by choiceonepublishing — April 26, 2009 @ 9:32 am | Reply

  7. That was great fun to read, Ron! Thanks.

    Comment by Connie Arnold — April 27, 2009 @ 9:06 pm | Reply

  8. Oh, oh, oh, I have an alien cell phone. I use it to call Oris the Great!

    Great tale. Thanks for sharing.

    Comment by Jan Verhoeff — May 2, 2009 @ 5:48 pm | Reply

  9. Hi, interesting post. I have been wondering about this topic,so thanks for sharing. I’ll certainly be coming back to your posts.

    Comment by How I Lost Thirty Pounds in Thirty Days — May 3, 2009 @ 2:23 pm | Reply

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