UNWRITER Ron Berry

February 29, 2012

Grande Openning

As you may have noticed, I added an e at the end of grand because There is a lot involved here. NASA is on the verge of finding an inhabitable planet nearby. Japan has the space elevator contract with Boeing spacecraft docking at the interplanetary airport, two stars and three asteroids to the left of our sun. That in and of itself is newsworthy but With a touch of imagination, it’s possible to see what will happen. The first three inhabitants will be:

1. A major realator.

2. Walmart

3. Safeway

Once the real estate company has a lock on all the best land, Walmart moves in followed by Safeway.  It is now time for the next two loads to be transported up to earth2. The first load is the contractors to build all the row houses and the second one stocks both stores. This will soon be followed by the road and pothole construction team and then the smartforearth2 vehicles.

The obvious next two loads are the politicians and the residents that voted for them. While this is going on, Verizon is expanding from 4G to Earth to Earth coverage (at a slightly higher rate of course and the new phones needed.) Microsoft will have the internet locked up with it’s new operating system Windows earthly. Power will be geothermal since Walmart broke ground and a natural heat vent which it immediately harnessed. The original idea for automotive power was steam (with all the politicians up there), but electricity was more practical and easier to control.

Thanks to modern genetics, they now have cows, pigs and chickens in pill form. Some idiot threw in the DNA of his cats so they are also in pill form. He tried to get the makings from his dog but just as he was getting ready to insert the needle, a car drove past. Thus the first farmers and ranchers can just carry a few cases of these pills and start their buisness. A rumor has it that the first guy to grab the cow pills realized he could make a fortune with the methane produced.

Since it will take time for the agriculture industry to take hold, the newly invented replicator and beef from plants will have to surfice. One enterprising couple, planning ahead, put in a very large order for these replicators and secured a contract with Walmart to provide the plastic dishes and tableware. They have also planned to use this machine to make copies of itself and sell them to other business ventures. What happens next is anyone’s guess but I would imagine that they will soon be looking for a bigger planet for the overstock.

February 27, 2012

She did it again, this time it’s Utopia Britain

 

Tanja Cilia

Welcome to Utopia

I have inadvertently upset and bemused my British friends. They could find no rhyme and reason as to why I decided to pick random examples of Americana in order to indicate similarities with what is going on in Malta.

After all, they said, Malta was a British Colony for n years, and technically, both the United Kingdom and the Republic of Malta are made up of a collection of islands, however much animosity exists amongst them.

Frankly, I always thought that the temperament of the British and that of the Maltese were different. They are supposed to have a stiff upper lip: we are hot-blooded, because we are Mediterranean.

However, it seems that what Margaret Thatcher said, i.e. “I am extraordinarily patient, provided I get my own way in the end,” counts for both nations.

Random Item #1: A quick look at the contestants in beauty contests will show us that the majority of Maltese contestants – at least those who do not titter when complimented for weight loss which would be due to liposuction – have rather heavy thighs and calves that are almost oval. The British, on the other hand, have calves and cankles.

Whereas he Maltese Doctor Sir Temi Żammit tracked down the source of brucellosis to the milk of infected cows,  the laurels for one of the silliest, most dangerous weight-loss ‘solutions’ ever invented must rest upon the head of a British Doctor.

In the 1950s, A.T.W. Simeons took the phrase “false pregnancy” to a whole new level. He suggested that a person (yes, even a man) could subsist on 500 calories a day, on condition that they also received daily injections hCG (the hormone human choriogonadotropin), which is produced in early pregnancy.

Playing about with hormones is never advisable; and indeed it was later discovered that this sorry excuse for an eating plan could give blinding headaches and blood clots, and cause depression. And the fact is that you are eating so little, that it probably does not matter what else you do to punish your body – you will lose weight anyway.

Whereas in certain cases hCG is used as part of fertility treatments, it is never advisable to use it in the aforesaid manner.

Random Item #2: The fashion for acronyms wormed its way into Maltese culture a long time ago, probably even further back than 4Ts and YTC, the first two I recall; and UI would say that 34U is not the last entity to be labelled thus, either.

Action for Employment was perhaps inevitably shortened to A4e.

David Cameron’s idea(l) was to find jobs for dole sharks and other unemployed people. Now we have revelations that some of the employees of one of the five firms entrusted with this commitment are facing investigation…over alleged fraud. Emma Harrison, Family Champion, said that she would stand down because “…I do not want the current media environment to distract from the very important work with troubled families.” The word is, however, that A4e has actually won two new contracts after her resignation; wonders never cease.

Should we be happy, therefore, that in Malta, the only negative press social services have received is about monies voted toward this essential issue? With even less money voted for them, workers in the social services sector will not even be able to think about committing fraud.

At least, fraud perpetuated by our public servants and those in NGOs do not involve families, at least directly.

Random Item #3: In order to ‘avoid’(sic) teenage pregnancies, teens may ask for 4cm-long contraceptive implants (involving a minor operation to introduce progestogen into the blood through implants fitted in the upper arm), or contraceptive injections – without the knowledge of their parents.

This is done in the girls’ schools, and under patient confidentiality rules, school staff is banned from asking for permission from the girls’ parents, although they are minors.

Therefore, if the girl “feels like” having sex, her only problems are getting an STD, and the 1% rate of failure. Wait!  If the boyfriend(s) know about the implants or shots, would they not pressure the girl, telling her she is “safe”?

Of course, “some” discomfort (acne, depression, headaches, weight gain nausea, breast tenderness and irregular or absence of periods) from this device or the injection are to be expected.

Then there are the double vision, epilepsy, and even coma associated with anti-HPV shots which would be given to provide additional protection,  are to be expected, but is that not a small price to pay for promiscuity? Incidentally, the “cervix-protecting” inoculation will shortly be made available to boys, although they do not have a cervix… just in case they experiment with homosexual relationships.

Let us be thankful for small mercies. Our teenagers “merely” dance half-naked on cubes in Paceville. Only a few (relatively speaking) Maltese teens end up having babies. We have no gangs that earn money off teenaged prostitutes. Many Maltese teens seem to be obsessed with the performing arts – singing, dancing, and modelling.

Random Item #4: British Labour MP for Falkirk, Eric Joyce, has been suspended by his party after head-butting and punching Tory Stuart Andrew, and brawling with four other Tories, in a bar at the House of Commons Strangers’ Bar.

Apparently, this was the follow-up to his not altogether complimentary speech in parliament, in which he mentioned the excess of Tories present. It took thirteen hours for him to sober up enough for police to question him.

Isn’t it nice that our (actual and potential) representatives spend their time quibbling about colours of ties and the frequency with which they are changed?

Why aren’t we happy that, instead of instigating drunken brawls, they post pictures of breakfasts, children, wives, lovers, parties attended, and recent haircuts on social sites, as well as flyers stuffed into our letter-boxes because Malta has no opt-out from junk mail facilities?

Wouldn’t you, too, rather be insular, parochial, and territorial, than progressive, liberal, and permissive?

 

February 21, 2012

Nirvana, by Tanja

Filed under: tributes — unwriter1 @ 6:33 am

The following was written by a very dear friend in Malta and it is very fitting to todays world.

 

 

Tanja Cilia

Welcome to Nirvana

I cannot tell the difference between American politicians in red soccer gear and those in blue baseball gear.  Besides, I am apolitical, so I take whatever they say at face value, not because they belong to this persuasion or the other party.

All I can say is that since America is a little larger than Malta, they have ample opportunities to learn from us, and then, perhaps inevitably since they are politicians, expound upon ‘our’ mistakes and pepper them with Americanisms.

We all know what happens when you pass something through non-human translators, and then render it back to its original language.  The chances are that it’s the same when Maltese politicians look at the result of their original actions, and try to shrink them back to Maltese dimensions.

Let us therefore, just in time for the Local Council Elections campaign, examine the wonderful opportunities that are simply waiting to be set into motion locally.

Random Example # 1: Anthony Federico showed off his knowledge of idiom and used the expression “Chink in the armor”.  The only snag is that he used it in connection with New York Knicks guard Jeremy Lin, who is, in fact, Chinese.

Federico said he did not make the connection; and yet the Entertainment and Sports Programming Network (ESPN) fired him because the connection was deemed racist and derogatory.

Since  foreigners playing for Maltese teams locally tend to be African or European, rather than Chinese, our witty politicos will have to  think, instead,  of all the place-names in Malta which can be used in both English and Maltese puns. At a pinch, there are also idioms that mention specific towns and villages that could be used to great effect.

Random Example #2: Newt Gingrich took his foot out of his mouth long enough to state “…If the NAACP [ National Association for the Advancement of Colored People] invites me, I’ll go to their convention and talk about why the African-American community should demand paychecks and not be satisfied with food stamps.” Here, it is being assumed that only black people rely on food stamps.

Black people in Malta tend to be refugees and we are fully aware of their plans to take over the nation and get voted into Parliament and then… what? But be can also have another take on this story and focus the spotlight on single parents – or rather, single mothers, instead.  Are they not the only people who play the welfare system locally? After all, we all know, don’t we, that in this fair land, there are no single mothers who work diligently to provide their offspring with money that comes out of a pay check from a white-collar job, do we not?

Random Example #3: A “Food Police Officer” decides that a child’s brown paper bag lunch is “a fail”.  She is told (yes, told) that she must eat chicken nuggets to bring the meal up to scratch. Now when an adult says that your mother did something wrong, it is already something terrible. But this incident is also about how a brown bread turkey and cheese sandwich, banana, and a few crisps, and a carton apple juice did not qualify as a healthy lunch.

Jani Kozlowski, the fiscal and statutory policy manager for the Division of Child Development, say that in fact, the lunch would have covered the protein, grain and dairy obtaining in the guidelines of the U.S. Department of Agriculture; it is stipulated that a meal must include a vegetable or a fruit, and not necessarily both.  Did I mention that parents would have to pay for anything the child is given? So, let’s all give out schoolchildren ‘healthy breakfasts. Cereal, milkshake, and prepared fruit salad ought to do it. Wait. This has already happened once or twice; but it’s not polite to look a gift horse in the mouth, is it?

Random Example #4: Women are sometimes careless about their (sexual) health, and forgo visits to the clinic. Not because it’s a question of time, or money, but because they just cannot be bothered to check out every single pain or discharge. And besides, random partners make for more UTIs and STDs and unwanted pregnancies. The solution is simple: just mandate that everyone is covered for everything – mammograms, gestational diabetes,  birth control, breast-feeding support, smear tests, and even, if needs must – because “accidents happen” – all FDA approved birth control methods, which include “the morning-after pill”.

Oh, joy. As a corollary, this would, by some marvellous reckoning of logic, (eventually) do away with the other type of spongers and scroungers; deadbeat dads who never give their partner enough money to get by, let alone have something extra for health checks. So what if some types of birth control methods are known to trigger certain conditions?  So what if certain strata of the population do not use contraception because their lifestyle makes it unnecessary. Like the aforementioned sugar- and fat- and additive-laden breakfasts, it’s “free”.

Or is there no such thing as a free lunch?

February 20, 2012

Chocolate Shake Please

Add plastic made from plants (technology exists), to test-tube hamburger (and other meats, coming this fall), to the Replicator (already exists) and you get Star Trek. It sounds far-fetched, but it is now possible. We already have many artificial flavors, made from natural and laboratory artificial ingredients. One can also find many artificial colors. So, how would it work?

On board a space station there would be a greenhouse for growing plants that would provide the oxygen for the station. Some of those ‘greens’ would also be the various vegetables. Instead of a lot of scraps, there would need to be a way to recycle. What better way than to feed these scraps of grasses and vegetables to a replicator?

A computer program would decide the combination and all it would take then is a vocal recognition program would be used for input. Make your selection and sit and enjoy a totally vegetarian meal that tastes like steak and potatoes. Star Trek is here!

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