UNWRITER Ron Berry

February 29, 2012

Grande Openning

As you may have noticed, I added an e at the end of grand because There is a lot involved here. NASA is on the verge of finding an inhabitable planet nearby. Japan has the space elevator contract with Boeing spacecraft docking at the interplanetary airport, two stars and three asteroids to the left of our sun. That in and of itself is newsworthy but With a touch of imagination, it’s possible to see what will happen. The first three inhabitants will be:

1. A major realator.

2. Walmart

3. Safeway

Once the real estate company has a lock on all the best land, Walmart moves in followed by Safeway.  It is now time for the next two loads to be transported up to earth2. The first load is the contractors to build all the row houses and the second one stocks both stores. This will soon be followed by the road and pothole construction team and then the smartforearth2 vehicles.

The obvious next two loads are the politicians and the residents that voted for them. While this is going on, Verizon is expanding from 4G to Earth to Earth coverage (at a slightly higher rate of course and the new phones needed.) Microsoft will have the internet locked up with it’s new operating system Windows earthly. Power will be geothermal since Walmart broke ground and a natural heat vent which it immediately harnessed. The original idea for automotive power was steam (with all the politicians up there), but electricity was more practical and easier to control.

Thanks to modern genetics, they now have cows, pigs and chickens in pill form. Some idiot threw in the DNA of his cats so they are also in pill form. He tried to get the makings from his dog but just as he was getting ready to insert the needle, a car drove past. Thus the first farmers and ranchers can just carry a few cases of these pills and start their buisness. A rumor has it that the first guy to grab the cow pills realized he could make a fortune with the methane produced.

Since it will take time for the agriculture industry to take hold, the newly invented replicator and beef from plants will have to surfice. One enterprising couple, planning ahead, put in a very large order for these replicators and secured a contract with Walmart to provide the plastic dishes and tableware. They have also planned to use this machine to make copies of itself and sell them to other business ventures. What happens next is anyone’s guess but I would imagine that they will soon be looking for a bigger planet for the overstock.

October 7, 2011

Maple Spaghetti

Filed under: humor — unwriter1 @ 7:24 pm
Tags: , , , , , , ,

 Lunchtime found Zeke sitting in the family restaurant. As he walked in he noticed Abe sitting in the corner booth and decided to join him.

 

“Marty, bring Zeke a cup o’ that there special mornin’ eye opener ya got brewing. I don’t know what she puts in this stuff but it t’ain’t normal coffee. Taste it afore ya’s put’s any o’ that white stuff in. Ah knows ya likes it sweet, but this early in the morn ya wants ta gets up and git ta goin’.”

 

What Marty never told anyone is that she had thrown the grounds from the coffee pot out back and it had taken hold and started to grow. I don’t know what am but in this neck o’ the woods weird things grow. (Ok, so it’s poor English. I’m the narrator and I grew up around these folks so I tends ta talks like ‘em at times., ok?!?! ‘nuff said)

 

Turns out that the growing season for this new breed of coffee was quite short, so she was able to pull two crops out in one season. After putting enough aside to make another crop in the spring, Marty took the rest of the beans and put them in her uncle’s corn dryer for a couple of weeks. She pulled out a handful and ground them up to see how they would taste. They weren’t dry enough so they made an extra strong pot. Actually it was strong and heavy because when she picked up the carafe to pour a cup, it broke. The stuff even melted part of the counter! She decided to let the stuff dry a bit longer.

 

The next time she tried it, about a month later, it came out like it should. One taste and she knew she had a winner! One sip and she was wired and ready to go. By the time she finished the first cup she had cleaned the entire kitchen! But she wasn’t ready to try it on the customers yet. Although the first reaction was good, it seemed like a wise idea to make sure there weren’t any negative side effects. By the end of the day she knew it was safe because the effects wore off gradually and didn’t cause her to crash and burn, which usually happened with the caffeine pills. She put it on the menu as the B & B Eye opener.

 

“Hey Marty, where’d ya ever find this stuff? It’s great!”

 

“Sorry Zeke, that’s my special mix and I ain’t ready ta give out my secrets.”

 

Although it was breakfast time, Zeke ordered spaghetti because he would be starting to harvest the pitcher plants when he got home. Abe, on the other hand, ordered pancakes. Tempting fate (and ignoring Abe’s warning), Zeke also ordered a second cup of that special coffee. Well, you can just imagine the effects of trying to eat when you’re so wired you can barely sit. Yep, you’re right, Zeke grabbed the maple syrup instead of the spaghetti sauce. You ain’t et til ya tried it!

 

Now ya gots ta remember, this is spaghetti and pancake growing country , so what happened next is just natural.

 

“Abe, try this!” (Abe was trying not to laugh at Zeke’s mistake, but it t’warn’t easy).

“Syrup on spaghetti? You’re crazier than the rest of the family!”

 

But, to pacify him, Abe took a bite.

 

“By golly, you may have something there. But how will you ever convince folks to try it? I mean, let’s face it, most normal people just don’t put syrup on spaghetti.”

 

“Let me get back home. I have an idea”

 

One thing the whole family knew was that before planting a full sized crop, they needed to get the formula right. But, weather was all too often a negative factor so each of the farms had a greenhouse and thus they could experiment year round. Zeke gathered up seeds from the spaghetti plants and the pitcher plants. The big question was, does one put both seeds in the same row, or what is the proper procedure? Maybe cross-pollinating was best. He planted two test beds, one for each method. It took the rest of the fall and part of winter but he had his answer. By spring planting, he was ready.

 

Since it was only a small yield Zeke decided to let Abe and Marty try it to see if they thought it was a viable crop. The smiles on their faces was all Zeke needed to see to know he did it right. He headed home to get the larger field ready. This time he had enough to let Marty put it on the menu.  In fact, she did more than that because her window now sported a big, new sign:

 

“New menu item for brunch. Try it once and you’ll never eat it any other way”

 

“Marty, you didn’t list what the new item was on your sign.”

 

“I know, I did that on purpose so folks would ask what it is and I can give them a free sample.”

 

After a week or so, she had customers lining up, wanting to sample this new sensation. Each plate served came with several pats of butter, but no sauce. It was all the hints needed and word of mouth had already spread as to that being the best way. Marty and Zeke were getting rave reviews for this new dish. Who would ever guessed just how popular Maple Spaghetti would be!!

August 13, 2011

Square power lines

Square power lines

If power lines were square, it would be easier for birds to
stand on them. Granted they grip the round lines but as they age, wouldn’t
arthritis make it more difficult? Bayer has not yet made a pill for sore birds
feet yet.

From the engineering department comes the design for the
table that would fit this square power cable. It requires a round base, with
ridges, similar to the cap on an aspirin bottle. A toothpick sized pole would
then be centered on this base and the tabletop secured to it. This design
allows a bird to pick up and carry said table from location to location. Since
birds tend to eat worms and grubs that come from the ground, a round tabletop
is suggested so that they don’t have to worry about getting dirt in the corners.

A bird can then find a nice juicy earthworm, cut it in half
and add a pair of side bowls of lemon water. At this point then, a candle can
be placed on the peg in the center of the table and this allows for a
candlelight dinner for his mate.

April 19, 2011

Time moves on

Filed under: humor — unwriter1 @ 8:38 am
Tags: , , , , , , ,

Time Dilation

I can understand Pailwriters point of view with regards to windows. But it does bring a few things to mind. Last and most certainly least are handles. Pail Writer? I can picture stories in the Farmers Gazette about the variety of milk pails, but I don’t think the reference is write. Unwriter is just as bad. Just think of the uncola, anything to be different.

The more important bits that hit my mind (I’m thickheaded so it takes a hammer to knock new ideas in), is high speed development. Since Pailwriter doesn’t use windows, then does he use portholes or does he live in a glass house? That is what many would think when they read a statement like that. Others may think of a security blanket (Peanuts). The fact of the matter is that Linux is a very secure operating system. Another version of this is mandrake (must be magic (Oh wait, I’m showing my years)). Another solid operating system is Mac. So why is the Windows OS (Operating System) so popular? In my opinion it’s the size and advertising budget of Microsoft and a strong influence by Advil (Windows can be a real headache).

The Windows operating system is upgraded every couple of years. Every computer is out of date before it leaves the factory. I guess they call it progress. To put it in a slightly different perspective, Farmers didn’t upgrade their horses every other year. The plow stayed pretty much the same for centuries. In fact, everything stayed the same for years. Then some fool idiot or group of idiots started the machine age. Now everything was made faster but it was also made obsolete faster. Every other decade there would be a new plow. But, the horse stayed the same. That is, until someone learned to ‘harness’ their power and put a bunch of them in one object called a motor. Now technology whizzed right along. Every decade or so plows changed and even the method of pulling that plow got better. The tractor was invented.

But, in the twentieth century, somebody got a bright idea. Actually it was an electrifying idea. At this point, using a few lightbulbs, the tractors could be built day and night. Put lights on the tractor and the tomato field could be planted day or night. Everything is speeding up. A doctor in the nineteen teens said the human body couldn’t take speeds over twenty five miles per hour. Hmmm., the astronauts were going better than 18,000 miles per hour and they were going straight up! What would that doctor think?

Aristotle tried to discover the smallest thing possible. He divided by two until he arrived at something he could not divide and this he named atom. By the middle of the twentieth century, even this was divided. It was a rather explosive idea. Scientists had also discovered many different types of atoms and these were then named elements. So let’s throw these three ideas into our mixmaster and see what we get. A batter made with lightbulbs, electricity and some different elements gives us many things. Our first batch gives us television and radio.  Add a few more years and we get a field called electronics and that gave us computers.

As you may have noticed, Once we hit the technology age, change happens much quicker. We are now at a point where we are using what we can’t see to move us along at speeds we can’t calculate. The horse and plow has moved aside and high speed change has moved in. I guess that explains why we have to get a new version of windows every other week. At the rate it’s going, we’ll have to upgrade yesterday to get what is invented tomorrow or be forever stuck behind the horse and plow.

April 17, 2011

Easter Secrets

Filed under: humor — unwriter1 @ 7:17 pm
Tags: , , , , , , ,

As Amanda and Alex were walking through the woods, they happened to pass Harley’s big tree. Harley was the master owl and he ran the forest newspaper. All the news fit for the animal kingdom he would always say. He made sure the paper came out once a month to keep the kritters informed of the good news as well as the human element. That is how everybody knew it was time to find a new home when the humans decided to build the housing development.

 

Since he traveled mostly at night, he could check the very early editions of the town paper. He also learned that only part of the forest would be used and the rest would be protected. He made sure everyone knew about the upcoming construction, but he also pointed out the fact that the humans valued the forest and the animals.

 

“Amanda, look at this!! Harley just issued a special edition of the Leaves and Grass Gazette.”

 

“Wow!! Our very own Rabbit got to travel with the Easter Bunny!!”

 

Indeed, Koko’s family was getting around. It was well known that Koko used to be Easter Bunny’s sidekick, but had to retire. Rabbit was offered a chance to ride and this was big news! Amanda read the headline, then opened the paper to see the whole story.

 

**

 

Eggactly!

 

Sometimes Koko’s rabbit would tell her stories. But some of them were just totally outrageous! Many years in the past, Koko would travel along to help the Easter bunny, but time and one too many quills growing in the wrong direction put a stop to it. Koko was the most senior porcupine and she adopted many of the little creatures from the forest. She had a large cave and plenty of room. Rabbit was one of the adoptee’s. She tried to give him a name but rabbit said he preferred being just called Rabbit.

 

After one particularly rough Easter, Rabbit told Koko that he would take her place the next year. Koko talked to the Easter bunny and got an ok. Supplied with several of Koko’s quills, Rabbit was set to go. Hiding Easter eggs is not the easy job humans pretend that it is! Especially when the order comes in to put them inside someplace. Santa Claus comes down chimneys, but bunny’s use the door and some humans keep them locked. But, Koko’s quills are very effective at picking them.

 

After every trip, Rabbit would fill Koko in on the latest adventure. He would hop from one story to another. He talked so fast that Koko threatened to send him to auction school.

 

“Slow down a bit Rabbit. I’m trying to keep up.”

 

“But Koko, you wouldn’t believe some of these places! We went to one and I almost got eaten by this huge horse!”

 

“In the house?”

 

“Yes!!!!”

 

“Did he say anything?”

 

“He just kept barking and barking. I thought he would wake everybody up! But the Easter bunny told me that the humans would be gone until later that day. I used the longest quill to protect myself.”

 

“Uh, Rabbit, that was a dog, not a horse.”

 

“Well he was as big as a house!”

 

This was only one of his adventures. Some of them got even more far fetched. But, nobody ever got hurt. With eight rabbit’s feet, they had the luck of the Irish with them. Well, they had the luck of the Irish because they had a guest ride with them a few times.

 

McTavish, the head leprechaun, disguised himself as a well-dressed human and walked through the local village. As he was walking down the sidewalk he happened to catch an advertisement on one of the TV’s in a window. They were talking about Lucky Charms cereal! He wanted to investigate this closer so he contacted the Easter bunny and made arrangements to have one of his fellow leprechaun’s ride along.

 

That made deliveries much easier since now there were three of them! It was also a rather odd year considering that the Leprechaun’s colored some of the eggs.

 

“Koko, we delivered some pretty eggs that had rainbows on them!”

 

“Wow! I bet the human kids were surprised.”

 

“Oh, we didn’t give them to the humans. These were for the little leprechaun’s.”

 

“Now that is unusual.”

 

It was a very different year but it started a whole new tradition. So next time you’re trying to catch a leprechaun, don’t be surprised if he leads you over to a cauldron full of colored eggs!

 

**

 

“Alex, let’s take this paper back to Mom.”

 

With a nod of his head, they headed back to see mom and the rest of Amanda’s family. As they were walking, Amanda suggested a visit with Koko might be in order.

April 16, 2011

Bunnny with an Attitude

The Attitude Adjuster

 

“INCOMING!!!!”

 

Bob had just gotten the G out when the missile with the chipped blue coloring smashed into the door inches away from Lisa.

 

“Ewwww, What is that smell? Mustard gas?”

 

“No Lisa, that is the unmistaken odor of Sulphur. We’ve been egged!”

 

Indeed, on the cement below where the ‘bomb’ had hit was the broken shells of what appeared to be, of all things, an Easter egg! Who has been saving their eggs this long? It was the middle of July and the town was going through an epidemic of rotten eggs and they had all been decorated.

 

Meanwhile, across town, a mother is concerned. Her youngest has not returned home.

 

“What’s with that boy? Ever since Georgy saw that picture in the paper, he’s been acting like a total stranger. I am going to have a talk with his father when he gets back from his food run.”

 

Toonis used to be such a quiet place. There was no crime to speak of, but lately, there had been a rash of egg throwing. No one could figure it out. What made it so odd was that it was Easter eggs flying in July! Who would save them that long? And why?

 

Georgy’s dad got home first.

 

“PC, you have got to talk to your youngest. He has been acting real strange lately.”

 

“Yes, I know. He seems to be gone a lot lately also. I’ll talk to him when he gets home.”

 

About an hour later, Georgy wandered in. He looked like he had been ‘rode hard and put away wet’. Momma sent him to bed. In his condition talking would have been useless. Meanwhile PC, as momma called him, went back to his desk to get ready for the upcoming season. Although he only worked out of the home one day a year, it took a lot of preparation.

 

“Momma!!!”

 

“Yes?”

 

“Has Georgy been using this computer? I’ve told all the kids that I can’t have them playing in here, there are a lot of names and address’s and I can’t lose them!”

 

“Well, I heard the printer going the other day, but I thought it was you in here. I was fixing supper and not really paying much attention.”

 

The next day, Georgy and his sisters and brother (ten sisters, one brother), were heading out to play. Momma stopped him and told him his dad wanted to speak to him in the den. Poor Georgy, he looked like he had just lost his last friend. He knew what papa wanted. It had to come out sometime.

 

“Georgy, have you been playing on this computer? You know I need it for work.”

 

“Sorry Papa. I just needed a copy of the deliveries.”

 

“Why georgy? Why do you need to know who I deliver to? You’re too young to take over the business.”

 

“I don’t want to take it over. I saw this picture in the paper and I got very upset. Every year you hand out all this chocolate and the first thing those people do is bite off the ears! It’s not right! We rabbits need our ears, why do they do that? Since they can’t understand me when I talk, I only had one way to get my message across. I’ve been saving those eggs for a long time.”

 

Pc, or as we know him, Peter Cottontail, typed up a news release explaining that the egg thrower was just trying to convince people not to bite the ears off the chocolate Easter bunnies.

 

 

November 25, 2010

The Contest

Filed under: humor — unwriter1 @ 6:08 am
Tags: , , ,

 

Time is short!

 

 

Enter now

See Tom for contest entry forms

 

 

Little Georgie, or LG, as he was known to his friends, showed the poster to his mom.

“You may enter if you want. What is the grand prize?”

“A free year’s supply of our favorite snack.”

“Hmm, that could have dire consequences. So what is your favorite snack?”

“Lemon flavored miniature ice cubes.”

Mom watched LG head off to work on his contest entry. Her head hurt trying to make sense of his favorite snack.

LG thought long and hard. Finally he came up with his entry. When he submitted it, the judges asked how his entry could avoid the inevitable catastrophe about to fall on all the males. LG explained that everybody was complaining about money. He went on to say that his friends and he could use the abandoned barn out along the highway.

“Ok. Yours is the only entry that has a ghost of a chance. But, you better hurry, T-Day isn’t far off. There isn’t much time.”

“Thank you.”

LG gathered up his friends and they gathered all the Christmas lights and extension cords they could find. They set about the enormous task of cleaning up. All that was left was for LG and his band to practice to be ready for the grand opening. Mom made signs and dad was the ticket taker. Others made the snacks. It was the first ‘bring your own drink’ dance hall in the state.

Open night saw the place packed. It was just as busy a week later when Farmer John walked in. Tom, the ticket taker, handed John a bag of money. He explained that the dance hall was his. He was shocked that his animals could do something so wonderful. .

Yes, the ‘Turkey Trot’, dance hall was a success and LG, the smallest of Farmer Johns turkeys, won the contest.

October 14, 2010

So, what’s on the menu?

Filed under: humor — unwriter1 @ 9:25 pm
Tags: , , , , , , , ,

And Everyone Understands This?

Americans have strange names for food and menu items.  I don’t know about you but I’d be a bit concerned to see a taco walk out of a doughnut shop. Ok, to be fair, Doughnutland does have as small kitchen, but still, walking tacos? Tacos in and of themselves are weird. We use Wisconsin cheese, California lettuce and beef, tomatoes from Colorado or someplace similar, shells made in New York, yet this is a Mexican food? If you say so.

A taco walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender looks at him and says, “A beer? You’re Mexican, you should be drinking Margarita’s. “I’m an American taco, a beer please, preferably a Heineken. “

At this point in the dialogue things get really fowl. Buffalo wings? If I ever see one of them fly over me it’s straight to AA and the wagon, believe you me! Then there’s buffalo wild wings. Of course they’re wild, the tame ones would just fly away and hide in Montana.

Ever see a chicken with fingers? If I ever see the chickens where they get those fingers, I’m taking up aquatic living! Those beasts would be huge. Then there’s the chicken place advertising a twelve piece meal. What’s that, eleven French fries and a buffalo wing?

Speaking of doughnuts, ever try to put one of those holes back into the space where there is a hole? It don’t work! How about a Napoleon? Not in Russia!

Ok, I know this is short, but it’s time to head to the kitchen and hope no tacos walked off with my supper.

September 30, 2010

I Do Not Store Kids!

Filed under: humor — unwriter1 @ 5:22 pm
Tags: , , ,

Company names, if read literally, can be a bit strange. Oh, I admit they do have a purpose. For example: Jim calls his food store Jim’s Grocery. He does that so people will shop at his place instead of at his Brother Jack’s place across the street. There are only minor differences between the two. All Jack has to offer is lower prices, free coffee and tea, free home delivery and great customer service. Jim counters with ten cent coffee and time to talk with the owner. He is the sole employee.

I think you see the point here. Both Jim and Jack own stores that sell food. Not all store and business names are that well defined. For example:

City Storage – Why would anyone want to store a city?

Ajax Liquor store – Ajax is a cleaning solution. Did someone distill it? 90 proof Ajax, the more you drink the cleaner you are inside.

The Drunken Monkey – You can really go ape in this place. This is a real bar.

I wonder if High Reality uses Lowes lumber?

A few more, all real companies.

Johnson Controls – levers and dials to control Johnson’s?

Johnsonville Brats – Really? Since when have unruly kids from Johnsonville been put in packages?

Citywide Carton – Wow! That’s one big box.

Hummer trucks – I guess this truck doesn’t sing and for the record,

Singer sewing machines neither sing nor hum.

I really hope no one in the Kid, Kidd, or Kidde family are in the garage rental business because I would get real nervous if I saw a sign that read:

“Kids Storage”

June 28, 2010

From Lawless to Overlawed

Filed under: humor,Uncategorized — unwriter1 @ 6:58 am
Tags: , , ,

Senator Byrd died. Does that mean that other states can now get money porkbarreled to them for such ridulous projects such as bridge reconstruction or highway infastructure? It does bring up the question of why so many laws. Let’s face it, laws like the following are a bit on the dumb side.

Colorado: 

Sterling – it is unlawful to allow a pet cat to run loose without a taillight.

Florida:

It is illegal for men to be seen in public wearing a strapless gown.

Tampa Bay – it is against the law for rats to leave docked ships.

Illinois:

Chicago – it is illegal to eat in a place that is on fire.

Decatur – it is against the law to drive a car without a steering wheel.

Indiana:

It is illegal to bathe in the winter.

Ok, we have a lot of illegal cats in this town and I guess I have to leave my strapless gown in the closet. I have to say, that Indiana law must mean their football team really stinks. Now, I admit that these are a few of the extremes, but think about this. Every year federal and state legislators enact thousands of new laws. Why? Why can’t they just enforce the ones we have? In fact, why can’t they spend their time (and our money), cleaning some of the old laws off the books. I can’t think of one person today who would let their horse sleep in the bathtub, with or without the rider (a California law).  Can you imagine a house without a bathtub, much less two? There is a law against both in a couple of states.

We have gone from a free wheeling country that allowed men to carry guns and women to raise horses to Long Beach – any female attending a dance “must be found wearing a corset. A physician is required to inspect each female at the dance.”

I wonder how soon it will be before we are not allowed to think dirty thoughts or arrive at a decision before the question is asked? Big Brother is here my friends.

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