UNWRITER Ron Berry

February 27, 2012

She did it again, this time it’s Utopia Britain

 

Tanja Cilia

Welcome to Utopia

I have inadvertently upset and bemused my British friends. They could find no rhyme and reason as to why I decided to pick random examples of Americana in order to indicate similarities with what is going on in Malta.

After all, they said, Malta was a British Colony for n years, and technically, both the United Kingdom and the Republic of Malta are made up of a collection of islands, however much animosity exists amongst them.

Frankly, I always thought that the temperament of the British and that of the Maltese were different. They are supposed to have a stiff upper lip: we are hot-blooded, because we are Mediterranean.

However, it seems that what Margaret Thatcher said, i.e. “I am extraordinarily patient, provided I get my own way in the end,” counts for both nations.

Random Item #1: A quick look at the contestants in beauty contests will show us that the majority of Maltese contestants – at least those who do not titter when complimented for weight loss which would be due to liposuction – have rather heavy thighs and calves that are almost oval. The British, on the other hand, have calves and cankles.

Whereas he Maltese Doctor Sir Temi Żammit tracked down the source of brucellosis to the milk of infected cows,  the laurels for one of the silliest, most dangerous weight-loss ‘solutions’ ever invented must rest upon the head of a British Doctor.

In the 1950s, A.T.W. Simeons took the phrase “false pregnancy” to a whole new level. He suggested that a person (yes, even a man) could subsist on 500 calories a day, on condition that they also received daily injections hCG (the hormone human choriogonadotropin), which is produced in early pregnancy.

Playing about with hormones is never advisable; and indeed it was later discovered that this sorry excuse for an eating plan could give blinding headaches and blood clots, and cause depression. And the fact is that you are eating so little, that it probably does not matter what else you do to punish your body – you will lose weight anyway.

Whereas in certain cases hCG is used as part of fertility treatments, it is never advisable to use it in the aforesaid manner.

Random Item #2: The fashion for acronyms wormed its way into Maltese culture a long time ago, probably even further back than 4Ts and YTC, the first two I recall; and UI would say that 34U is not the last entity to be labelled thus, either.

Action for Employment was perhaps inevitably shortened to A4e.

David Cameron’s idea(l) was to find jobs for dole sharks and other unemployed people. Now we have revelations that some of the employees of one of the five firms entrusted with this commitment are facing investigation…over alleged fraud. Emma Harrison, Family Champion, said that she would stand down because “…I do not want the current media environment to distract from the very important work with troubled families.” The word is, however, that A4e has actually won two new contracts after her resignation; wonders never cease.

Should we be happy, therefore, that in Malta, the only negative press social services have received is about monies voted toward this essential issue? With even less money voted for them, workers in the social services sector will not even be able to think about committing fraud.

At least, fraud perpetuated by our public servants and those in NGOs do not involve families, at least directly.

Random Item #3: In order to ‘avoid’(sic) teenage pregnancies, teens may ask for 4cm-long contraceptive implants (involving a minor operation to introduce progestogen into the blood through implants fitted in the upper arm), or contraceptive injections – without the knowledge of their parents.

This is done in the girls’ schools, and under patient confidentiality rules, school staff is banned from asking for permission from the girls’ parents, although they are minors.

Therefore, if the girl “feels like” having sex, her only problems are getting an STD, and the 1% rate of failure. Wait!  If the boyfriend(s) know about the implants or shots, would they not pressure the girl, telling her she is “safe”?

Of course, “some” discomfort (acne, depression, headaches, weight gain nausea, breast tenderness and irregular or absence of periods) from this device or the injection are to be expected.

Then there are the double vision, epilepsy, and even coma associated with anti-HPV shots which would be given to provide additional protection,  are to be expected, but is that not a small price to pay for promiscuity? Incidentally, the “cervix-protecting” inoculation will shortly be made available to boys, although they do not have a cervix… just in case they experiment with homosexual relationships.

Let us be thankful for small mercies. Our teenagers “merely” dance half-naked on cubes in Paceville. Only a few (relatively speaking) Maltese teens end up having babies. We have no gangs that earn money off teenaged prostitutes. Many Maltese teens seem to be obsessed with the performing arts – singing, dancing, and modelling.

Random Item #4: British Labour MP for Falkirk, Eric Joyce, has been suspended by his party after head-butting and punching Tory Stuart Andrew, and brawling with four other Tories, in a bar at the House of Commons Strangers’ Bar.

Apparently, this was the follow-up to his not altogether complimentary speech in parliament, in which he mentioned the excess of Tories present. It took thirteen hours for him to sober up enough for police to question him.

Isn’t it nice that our (actual and potential) representatives spend their time quibbling about colours of ties and the frequency with which they are changed?

Why aren’t we happy that, instead of instigating drunken brawls, they post pictures of breakfasts, children, wives, lovers, parties attended, and recent haircuts on social sites, as well as flyers stuffed into our letter-boxes because Malta has no opt-out from junk mail facilities?

Wouldn’t you, too, rather be insular, parochial, and territorial, than progressive, liberal, and permissive?

 

November 1, 2011

The American Way

Freedom, remember that? We used to have it. Not any more. We are now a nation controlled by insurance companies, pantywaists, and an idiot named Obama. Smoking is bad for you. So, since it is bad, insurance companies and state fools, er, governments, ban it everywhere. But, there is a big push to legalize marijuana. This makes sense how? People are so afraid of smelling a cigarette that they will go to extremes to avoid it. Yet how many people are overcome by perfumes and colognes? Not to worry, that’s the next thing to get banned. Coming to work with even a hint of smoke will get you fired. Coming to work with a hangover is a great conversation starter and will get you invited out for a multi-cocktail lunch.

Women have finally won equality but that is about to end. Instead of just allowing a woman the right to just say no, others know what is really correct. Abortion will be banned. Where does that leave us? For the females that survive the back alley use-any-available-kitchen-utensil, their male counterparts will have to work two or more jobs to support the plethora of unwanted children. Not to worry though because children know when they aren’t wanted. So, since parents can no longer discipline their offspring, we can expect a lot more criminal activity. Mom didn’t want the child but the law does. Isn’t it nice to be wanted?

Sex and sexual activities are still allowed: if and only if you are heterosexual. Non-heterosexuality is genetic. It cannot be changed through therapy. But you don’t need to know science to be in politics. Take a look at who is running for office this year for proof.

Ladies, considering the way this country is changing, there are only two things you can do. Start smoking to prevent getting pregnant or a job, and grow your hair long, thus allowing the male to have something to grab hold of as he drags you into his mancave.

September 26, 2011

Obedience, Obesity, and reality

Filed under: rants — unwriter1 @ 8:09 am
Tags: , , , , ,

Potatoes make children fat. Toys in McDonald’s happy meals cause child obesity. According to the FDA, potatoes make you fat. But then again, the sodium in bacon is bad for your cholesterol. Lettuce is bad because of the pesticide used to keep the bugs off. But you can’t wash it with tap water because there are bad things in that. According to FDA standards, 99% of what we eat is bad for you and the remaining 1% costs too much.

Let’s get real. Food does not cause obesity by itself. Granted it will make you fat, but moving around (it’s called exercise), works off what you ate. Why do children get fat from McDonald’s? Because they don’t play. Oh they play, but it’s video games. Their thumbs get a great workout. What happens when toys are taken out of happy meals? Do children eat nothing? Uh, it’s up to the parents where they eat and if it isn’t happy meals it is something else on the menu that is just as bad if not worse.

No, the problem is not what they eat or what we eat. The problem is that no one wants to move around. I’d tell a joke about a fat Irishman, but I don’t know any. I don’t think there are many since Irish potato farmers had to work hard to harvest their crops.

What about the rest of us? We get fat just like the kids, but without their energy level. McDonald’s addressed that by putting in play areas.  I for one hate sports, but a game of baseball or football for the kids works off whatever ‘fatstuff’ they ate.

I don’t know about everyone else but I think I am going to build a fire, using the FDA regulations as fuel. Then I am going to sit down with a book (remember those?), eat my French fries (well salted), and a few bacon cheeseburgers and wash it all down with tap water.

November 21, 2010

Children

Filed under: Essays — unwriter1 @ 11:31 am
Tags: , , , , , , ,

“Shut that damn kid up!” How often do you hear that said? “Mommy will be back in a few minutes.” Another familiar statement. What does the child hear? “Daddies mad at me. What did I do wrong this time?” The crying gets louder. “Mommy is leaving. I’ll never see her again.

These are two common and all too often deadly adult child-related sentences. Let me tackle these in reverse order. I’ll start with time.

How many babies and toddlers understand the concept of time? None. You can tell a young one a few minutes but you might as was say forever. To a child, it’s the same thing. As far as the little one knows, once you are out of sight, fear sets in that you will never be seen again. You’re laughing at me about this, but that is because you know, as an adult, that you will be right back. Look at this and all these comments as a child would see them. Try to view the world from their perspective.

You or your mate returns home from work after a very frustrating day. Traffic was horrid or your boss was in a bad mood. DO NOT TAKE THIS OUT ON THE CHILD! Kids do not understand bad days or things that upset adults. They cry because they were yelled at out of adult frustration. All the child wants is a smile so they know the adult recognizes them. In other words, say hi and don’t treat the child as invisible.

Crying is a baby’s way communicating important information. There are only five types of crying:

  1. Hunger
  2. Tired
  3. Dirty diaper
  4. Hurt
  5. Scared

Four and five are easily eliminated by observation. A check of the diaper will answer number three. If the latest meal was recent, then you know it’s naptime. The bottom line?

Pay attention to your children. They do let you know their needs. Have a bad day? Pick up the child, troubles will melt away. A smile on a child’s face is the magic elixir. The soft, gentle caresses are Gods therapy.

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