UNWRITER Ron Berry

April 16, 2011

Bunnny with an Attitude

The Attitude Adjuster

 

“INCOMING!!!!”

 

Bob had just gotten the G out when the missile with the chipped blue coloring smashed into the door inches away from Lisa.

 

“Ewwww, What is that smell? Mustard gas?”

 

“No Lisa, that is the unmistaken odor of Sulphur. We’ve been egged!”

 

Indeed, on the cement below where the ‘bomb’ had hit was the broken shells of what appeared to be, of all things, an Easter egg! Who has been saving their eggs this long? It was the middle of July and the town was going through an epidemic of rotten eggs and they had all been decorated.

 

Meanwhile, across town, a mother is concerned. Her youngest has not returned home.

 

“What’s with that boy? Ever since Georgy saw that picture in the paper, he’s been acting like a total stranger. I am going to have a talk with his father when he gets back from his food run.”

 

Toonis used to be such a quiet place. There was no crime to speak of, but lately, there had been a rash of egg throwing. No one could figure it out. What made it so odd was that it was Easter eggs flying in July! Who would save them that long? And why?

 

Georgy’s dad got home first.

 

“PC, you have got to talk to your youngest. He has been acting real strange lately.”

 

“Yes, I know. He seems to be gone a lot lately also. I’ll talk to him when he gets home.”

 

About an hour later, Georgy wandered in. He looked like he had been ‘rode hard and put away wet’. Momma sent him to bed. In his condition talking would have been useless. Meanwhile PC, as momma called him, went back to his desk to get ready for the upcoming season. Although he only worked out of the home one day a year, it took a lot of preparation.

 

“Momma!!!”

 

“Yes?”

 

“Has Georgy been using this computer? I’ve told all the kids that I can’t have them playing in here, there are a lot of names and address’s and I can’t lose them!”

 

“Well, I heard the printer going the other day, but I thought it was you in here. I was fixing supper and not really paying much attention.”

 

The next day, Georgy and his sisters and brother (ten sisters, one brother), were heading out to play. Momma stopped him and told him his dad wanted to speak to him in the den. Poor Georgy, he looked like he had just lost his last friend. He knew what papa wanted. It had to come out sometime.

 

“Georgy, have you been playing on this computer? You know I need it for work.”

 

“Sorry Papa. I just needed a copy of the deliveries.”

 

“Why georgy? Why do you need to know who I deliver to? You’re too young to take over the business.”

 

“I don’t want to take it over. I saw this picture in the paper and I got very upset. Every year you hand out all this chocolate and the first thing those people do is bite off the ears! It’s not right! We rabbits need our ears, why do they do that? Since they can’t understand me when I talk, I only had one way to get my message across. I’ve been saving those eggs for a long time.”

 

Pc, or as we know him, Peter Cottontail, typed up a news release explaining that the egg thrower was just trying to convince people not to bite the ears off the chocolate Easter bunnies.

 

 

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November 16, 2010

The Killer Valentine Ball blog tour

 

Author C. A. Verstraete has written a masterful short story combining two of my favorite holidays. Read the review below and then keep  going to read my interview with her. 

Title: The Killer Valentine Ball

Author: C. A. Verstraete

Publisher: MuseItUp publishing

Copyright: 2010

ISBN:

Format: Short Story                 

Genre: Horror

 

I am NOT going to any valentines balls with you. With that in mind, MS Verstraete has created a world that Stephen King would love. It’s all so simple, a blind date to make mom happy. I think this is one time that love is blind and the date rather dangerous.  But, read it for yourselves and see how many Valentines balls YOU want to go to.

 

It’s a short story and well worth the read. I rate this story highly.

 

Interview questions for C. A. Verstraete

  1. What prompted you to write a Halloween/Valentine story?

Initially I saw a post about a themed anthology and Valentine’s Day came to mind… a natural for horror, wouldn’t you say?

  1. As a writer, I need music in the background. Do you need special backgrounds?

I usually have music on, too, mostly pop or sometimes I confess I put on some old disco tunes. I do admit a weakness lately to watching Hoda and Kathie Lee on TV.

  1. What is your favorite animal, domestic or wild and why?

All kinds. I love animals. I’ve had dogs all my life, have birds, fish, but if I had to pick two, I really like wolves and dolphins. Unfortunately, I can’t have either as the dog pen and the outside pond aren’t big enough. (Well, the dog pen might be.)

  1. What is your favorite holiday and why?

With this kind of story you had to ask? Haa! I like Halloween. I enjoya good scare and like the decorating aspect. I decorate in miniature for dollhouses, too, so that’s always fun (there’s a link for miniatures on my website, http://cverstraete.com). I also enjoy Christmas, both in real life and miniature.

  1. Your publisher has given you the book title, “Dancing with Snakes”. What are your first three sentences?

Do I have to do this? My legs shake. I hate snakes. Hate ’em. (Really.)

  1. Your publisher has arranged for you to be on the first tourist suborbital flight. You have been given a list of required items and are allowed three optional items. What are they?

Required: Makeup, floss, toothpaste (only 3 items? The list would be pretty long.). Optional: Camera, notebook, pen (Personally required.)

  1. You have just returned home from your FUGRETI group meeting (Future GREet The Interterestials). As soon as you step up on the porch, something lands in your yard. From a distance it appears to be a meteorite, but when you pick it up it is something much stranger. What is it?

My first thought? Fossilized dinosaur poop. Ugh, wish I’d brought gloves.

  1. You are going on an Alaskan cruise. You may take any four people along. This includes movie stars and others you may not yet know. Whom do you select?

My, I’m going a lot of places, more than in real life. Haa! Hmm, have to ask my good friend Courtney Mroch who’s already gone on this cruise and family members, of course. The famous will already be on the cruise so I don’t have to ask them, just mingle!

  1. You write in several genres. Where may our readers learn more?

Christine’s website: http://cverstraete.com   Blog: http://candicanine.blogspot.com

10.  Take all the space you want and tell us anything about you, your background or your history. The floor (paper, word, etc), is yours.

Fun questions, Ron, thanks for asking and hosting me.

Christine Verstraete is a Wisconsin author who enjoys writing both fiction and nonfiction. Her recent stories were published in the DAW Books anthologies Steampunk’d and Timeshares. She also is author of a children’s book, Searching for a Starry Night, A Miniature Art Mystery, for ages 9-12. She’s currently working on a follow-up story to her Edison Steampunk characters and a YA zombie book.

 

 

December 18, 2008

Rudy – A Christmas story

Filed under: humor — unwriter1 @ 10:45 pm
Tags: , , ,

The following story is the Christmas story that Carol Percer was tagged to write. I asked for and got, permission to print it here. Read and enjoy.

 

 
“Rudy”

“I’m so glad you’re meeting with me!” Sincere gratitude warmed her huge brown eyes, “I know this isn’t the most desirable place to have an interview.”

“It’s no problem! It’s actually beautiful, with the snow…and all.”

True. The Bronx Zoo was quite beautiful, every inch painted by nature with a thick coating of the white stuff—the proverbial winter wonderland, an ice kingdom.

“Well,” blinking as delicate snowflakes dropped onto her head, “where would you like to start?”

“When did you first meet him?”

A far away dreaminess suddenly softened her eyes as she looked away, her mind obviously lighting on a wonderful memory, “I remember it like it was yesterday!”

“Tell me.”

“Oh, my dear…,” pausing with a deep sigh, “when he came strutting into that room, you could have heard a pin drop! All eyes were on him!”

“So it is true. He was handsome!”

“Handsome! Handsome? What an insignificant word to describe him! Beautiful! The most gorgeous creature any of us had ever laid eyes on!”

“What did he look like? Can you describe him?”

“Describe him…,” again the brown eyes wandered far away, a delightful glint in them, “oh, well. Let me see. Darker than the other fellows. Of course, being Italian and all. Deep, mysterious eyes. Lips that were invented for smooching! And, my dear. Dare I say it?”

“Yes! Please!” My writing stopped, my pen poised above the tablet with anticipation.

“Well. He had the narrowest hips and the nicest tail I’d ever seen! Oh, my dear, when he ambled into that room, that handsome head held high, those exotic eyes searching the room—my, my! I remember it to this day! Still makes me shiver!”

“Well, how did you meet him? I mean, if he was drawing so much attention. I would imagine all the girls were setting their sights on him.”

“Of course they were!”

“What did you do to get his attention?”

“It took a few days before he noticed me. He was quite surrounded by girls on a regular basis.” Pausing, her eyes narrowed with a delicious thought, “One night, at one of the holiday dances, he approached me to dance.”

“Oh!”

“Well, of course by then the word had already spread through town what a marvelous dancer he was. And the gossip was true! Like a professional, smooth on his feet. Romantic! Attentive! Why, he put the rest to shame! They couldn’t hold a candle to him! He simply swept us girls off our feet!”

“Is that when the trouble started? Did the other fellows get jealous?”

“Well, that certainly didn’t help! But, to tell you the truth, he was a trouble maker from the beginning.”

“How is that?”

“The other fellows went to the nightly games, expecting all the gals to show up like we always did.”

“But?”

“But he had other plans!”

“Such as?”

“He taught tango lessons while the games went on in the town hall.”

“Tango lessons?”

“Yes! Oh, and what a teacher! The line was long with girls waiting for lessons! They simply forgot about the other fellows and stopped going to the town hall altogether. They wanted to go to his bungalow to take lessons from him.”

“So that was how he got his bad reputation?”

“That wasn’t all. It was his secret!”

“The secret that ended up making him so famous.”

“Yes.”

“Who was the first to discover it?”

“I was.”

Literally shaking with excitement, I begged, “Tell me about it!”

“Well, it was my turn to take tango lessons. Oh, what a romantic experience! Those muscles, those dreamy eyes, those luscious lips! I told him I really shouldn’t be there, that I should leave. He pulled me closer, murmuring that I didn’t need to go to those ridiculous games. He could show me much more excitement.”

“Oh!”

“Well….,” a rosy blush crept to her cheeks, her eyes closing with embarrassment, “then he kissed me.”

“Ah!”

“And that’s when I saw it!”

“Oh, my god!” Was it…?”

“As much as you’ve heard.”

“Oh, my goodness!”

“My eyes must have been huge with surprise! I’d never seen anything like it in my life! And never have since!”

“Why did he let you….see it?”

“He couldn’t help it. It would appear when he got excited and he couldn’t control it. He was mortified and begged me to keep it a secret.”

“And when he kissed you…?”

“That excited him. And there it was.”

“So how did it come to be, then, that everyone else found out about it? That your boss discovered it, too?”

“That, dear, was why I wanted to tell you the story. For you to tell the truth to the world.”

“Tell me, then.”

“The ridiculous story that everyone knows is simply not true. It wasn’t at all how it happened.”

My excitement had risen to unspeakable levels by now. The familiar story that had been accepted for years and years was about to come crashing to smithereens. The truth was going to be revealed.

And now I must share the true account with you, as it was told to me by Nancy. So pay attention. Are you sitting down?

You recall that famous Christmas Eve so very long ago? The Christmas Eve when Santa Clause was fog bound and his yearly toy delivery was nearly cancelled? And do you remember how you’ve been told that the trip was saved by a reindeer with a shiny red nose?

You do?

Well, what you don’t know is how Santa Clause came to discover that red nose. It wasn’t at all like you’ve been told. Oh, no.

Oh, most of the story is true, mind you. But the part that has never been told is this.

Burying his face in his hands, Santa slumped onto his gigantic velvet chair. He wouldn’t let himself cry in front of the elves or the reindeer. Never. But crying was just what he wanted to do.

Never had he seen a fog the likes of the one on this Christmas Eve. The trip was impossible. Not even an experienced team of reindeer as his could pull off such a feat. It was unthinkable.

“Santa?”

Looking up as Nancy approached him, a brave smile touched his lips, “Yes, Nancy?” He wanted to be left alone, but smiled anyway.

“Santa, I think I have an idea that will save your trip.”

“Oh, thank you, Nancy, dear, but there is simply no way. This fog is monstrous. I can’t risk my team.”

“But I think it can be done. In fact, I’m sure of it.”

“Yes?” His eyes were patient.

Nancy leaned over, whispering in his ear and his eyes widened like giant lollipops as he listened. He beamed, “This I’ve got to see!”

Well, friends, this is what happened. Oh, yes, Rudolph, the famous red nosed reindeer did indeed have a bright red light for a nose, and it was indeed the very thing that saved that historic Christmas Eve.

But the fact that historians have not told you, for obvious reasons, is that his nose would only shine this brightly when he was romantic and when he would smooch with the girls. Then, oh then, it shone so bright it would put a lighthouse to shame.

And the true reason all the other reindeer laughed and called him names? Because they were jealous, plain and simple! Oh, the girls called him names allright—Rudolph, the Valentino of reindeer! This of course drove the other fellow reindeer wild with envy!

So. Imagine their embarrassment when, instead of Dasher and Prancer and the rest of the standard team, Santa had to yell out:

“On Nancy, on Suzie, now Donna and Mitzi….!”

Because? Yes. This was the only way to keep Rudolph’s nose so bright all night. To be surrounded by the ladies, to keep his romantic nose glowing.

And this, my friends, is the true story as told to me by Mrs. Rudolph. So the next time you see that sleigh with the eight tiny reindeer—think about what you’ve just heard.

Merry Christmas!

December 11, 2008

What is Santa Claus (may be a reprint)

Filed under: Essays — unwriter1 @ 11:24 pm
Tags: , , , , ,

“Excuse me? Don’t you mean WHO is Santa Claus?””No”

You’ve gone to the mall to get those earrings for your old aunt Doris, knowing full well she will lose them within a week. As you walk towards the department store you see a line extending out to the parking lot and almost wish you had hearing aids because those can be turned off. It’s pure bedlam with the kids yelling and the parents screaming to tell them to either be quiet or no Santa Claus. You’ve been here before. You know every kid in this line is waiting to see that fat man dressed in Red. You know also that he is a fake even though you may have told your kids he was a representative of the real thing. Believe it or not, you didn’t lie.

So what is Santa Claus?

“Oh good grief, this idiot keeps talking about what, not who.”

Yep. That’s because Santa Claus is the spirit of Christmas. His reputation is that he has a list of good and bad. Every child gets a reward of some kind, the good ones get toys, the bad ones get underwear. That means, oh wait a minute, that is not right. That is the materialistic Santa Claus. That is not who or what Santa Claus, the real one, is about. Santa Claus, Christmas is not about getting. That is the selfish; I deserve such and such, philosophy. Ah, you’ve figured it out; it’s all about giving. Your first thought is, I’m not giving Aunt loseseverthing earrings, I’ll give her a new microwave. That’s too big for her to even lose. Wait, she did lose her car one time, no, her son took it. Anyway.

No, you have not figured it out. The spirit of Christmas is not about the giving of material things. It’s the time of year when we focus on giving of ourselves, our love, our kindness, towards others. Write this on your hand, then slap your forehead, maybe that way it will sink in that this is what we are supposed to do all the time. Maybe, just maybe, if half the world did this, the other half would get the message. But how do we convince half the world? Ah, that is the easiest part. You the individual live that way and let those around you see your happiness. Help them copy you. Happiness is contagious. Smile and nod courteously at all you see.

Ok, we’re back to that same nagging question, what is Santa Claus? He is the embodiment of all that the great holiday is for. We are celebrating the birth of our savior. We are throwing him a worldwide birthday party and our gifts are peace, love, and kindness. That is what Santa Claus is.

November 18, 2008

What is Santa Clause

Filed under: Essays — unwriter1 @ 8:03 pm
Tags: , , , , ,

angel1guardian-angelWhat is Santa Claus?”Excuse me? Don’t you mean WHO is Santa Claus?”

“No”

 

You’ve gone to the mall to get those earrings for your old aunt Doris, knowing full well she will lose them within a week. As you walk towards the department store you see a line extending out to the parking lot and almost wish you had hearing aids because those can be turned off. It’s pure bedlam with the kids yelling and the parents screaming to tell them to either be quiet or no Santa Claus. You’ve been here before. You know every kid in this line is waiting to see that fat man dressed in Red. You know also that he is a fake even though you may have told your kids he was a representative of the real thing. Believe it or not, you didn’t lie.

So what is Santa Claus?

“Oh good grief, this idiot keeps talking about what, not who.”

Yep. That’s because Santa Claus is the spirit of Christmas. His reputation is that he has a list of good and bad. Every child gets a reward of some kind, the good ones get toys, the bad ones get underwear. That means, oh wait a minute, that is not right. That is the materialistic Santa Claus. That is not who or what Santa Claus, the real one, is about. Santa Claus, Christmas is not about getting. That is the selfish; I deserve such and such, philosophy. Ah, you’ve figured it out; it’s all about giving. Your first thought is, I’m not giving Aunt loseseverthing earrings, I’ll give her a new microwave. That’s too big for her to even lose. Wait, she did lose her car one time, no, her son took it. Anyway.

No, you have not figured it out. The spirit of Christmas is not about the giving of material things. It’s the time of year when we focus on giving of ourselves, our love, our kindness, towards others. Write this on your hand, then slap your forehead, maybe that way it will sink in that this is what we are supposed to do all the time. Maybe, just maybe, if half the world did this, the other half would get the message. But how do we convince half the world? Ah, that is the easiest part. You the individual live that way and let those around you see your happiness. Help them copy you. Happiness is contagious. Smile and nod courteously at all you see.

Ok, we’re back to that same nagging question, what is Santa Claus? He is the embodiment of all that the great holiday is for. We are celebrating the birth of our savior. We are throwing him a worldwide birthday party and our gifts are peace, love, and kindness. That is what Santa Claus is.

credit for this article goes to Katrina Wampler http://katrinawampler.wordpress.com/

October 7, 2008

The little green clawed monster is coming!

Filed under: writing — unwriter1 @ 11:17 am
Tags: , , , , , ,

Stop by on Saturday, October 11th to meet Trockle on his Halloween visit to this blog. Our favorite under the bed monster snuck out and is running around the net on a virtual book tour and would like everyone to stop by and leave him a comment. There are some great prizes up for grabs also, just in time for the great candy holiday! Free pumpkin cutouts are among the giveaways and you don’t want to miss the interview with Holly, the young lady that was allowed to write his story.

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